Not just another day

So, today is my birthday and suddenly, I feel the need to announce and explain my recent absence? Why? Well-wishes and complimentary birthday greetings will go on as annually expected. Animated gifs, memes and some heartfelt sentiments will plaster my social media sites and inboxes. But, this is no ordinary birthday, no ordinary year..It’s a reminder of the day that I was born along with my twin sister. And unfortunately, my twin died in April of 2020; (the most horrible year of our Modern human existence)..the “Year that should not be named” became even more pandemic when I lost my sister.

(January 10) “our” birthday. It’s kind of difficult to bask in the individual self-praise that birthdays are said to be. I’ve dreaded this day, ever since my sister passed. It was like I was plagued with an instant and unethical response to this grief stricken situation; the question of “Our Birthday”..which meant “My” birthday. How do I celebrate something that doesn’t have the same meaning? How do I even acknowledge it? and should I?

I swear this grief thing is so freaking psychological and so very challenging, comical even.

The very thought of legally changing my birthday came into my mind. Is that even possible? I don’t know..and honestly in this moment..My cynical and unstable mind..say’s “That’s stupid and ridiculous” yet, a couple days ago I had to renew my drivers license before it expired which of course would be…Guess? Yes..On January 10, 2021! I don’t know who or what spiritual deviant thought that would be a good lesson for me now? Well, I failed miserably. I had a panic attack on the way to the drivers license bureau..and I stuttered and almost passed out when they called my name and I had to explain why I was there..and I had to force my voice to shakenly say..”My license expires on January 10.” The clerk responded..”Hey, now..On your birthday?!” Stunned, I just stood..gazed at her. Thank God for the mask..or she would have really seen my expression. I felt horrified, incensed, and engrossed. “How dare she mention this F-d up day!!! I don’t want to hear about my birthday, it’s gonna be awful.” I managed to complete the process and fled to my car where I cried hysterically.

The following days, inching up to today, were just as unpredictable. I had crying spells, mood swings, anxiety and intense spiritual moments of clarification. At times, I worked myself up so..that I was forced to lay down. I was too overcome with emotions of preparation for this day.

But, today is my birthday. Today is January 10. A reminder that I entered this world with a partner, a buddy, a twin. But, Today…I woke up and remembered that my sister and I were opposites. We did everything differently. We were born fraternal twins. All through our lives we fought against each other..we wanted to be individuals. We were night and day, sugar and salt, she was a carnivore and I a vegetarian since we were 12..lol. We found pride in our individuality and balanced each other quite well. She was talented in so many things that I was not. I was knowledgeable of things that she didn’t give a “damn” about..and she would boastfully declare..”I don’t give a damn!” She was sociable, I an introvert. She was affectionate and I am distant and distinct with my affection. Example: she would kiss me on the mouth! in public! No warning, no preparation..just all of a sudden grab and kiss me, she would hold on tight then push me away.. Lol. Who does that? She didn’t have any issues with boundaries and space, and I on the other hand..need at least 2 miles of space.

Waking up this morning..and opening my eyes..I realized that my behavior has been so unlike my sister. (Naturally so). But, if my sister were here and could tell me..she would first kiss me uncomfortably on the mouth, then say, “I don’t give a damn!” get your ass up! “Fuck! all this stupid drama!” You do stuff your way anyway..Do it your way! Enjoy your day! Party for me and we’ll party harder when we see each other again.” That’s what she would say.

So, in honor of my sister, I have decided that for the rest of my life and for the rest of our birthdays, I am celebrating for the both of us. Double fun! Double adventure! I am kissing my dreams on the mouth! and accomplishing all that I can for the both of us. January 10, is a miraculous day.

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