motivation, Uncategorized

Not just another day

So, today is my birthday and suddenly, I feel the need to announce and explain my recent absence? Why? Well-wishes and complimentary birthday greetings will go on as annually expected. Animated gifs, memes and some heartfelt sentiments will plaster my social media sites and inboxes. But, this is no ordinary birthday, no ordinary year..It’s a reminder of the day that I was born along with my twin sister. And unfortunately, my twin died in April of 2020; (the most horrible year of our Modern human existence)..the “Year that should not be named” became even more pandemic when I lost my sister.

(January 10) “our” birthday. It’s kind of difficult to bask in the individual self-praise that birthdays are said to be. I’ve dreaded this day, ever since my sister passed. It was like I was plagued with an instant and unethical response to this grief stricken situation; the question of “Our Birthday”..which meant “My” birthday. How do I celebrate something that doesn’t have the same meaning? How do I even acknowledge it? and should I?

I swear this grief thing is so freaking psychological and so very challenging, comical even.

The very thought of legally changing my birthday came into my mind. Is that even possible? I don’t know..and honestly in this moment..My cynical and unstable mind..say’s “That’s stupid and ridiculous” yet, a couple days ago I had to renew my drivers license before it expired which of course would be…Guess? Yes..On January 10, 2021! I don’t know who or what spiritual deviant thought that would be a good lesson for me now? Well, I failed miserably. I had a panic attack on the way to the drivers license bureau..and I stuttered and almost passed out when they called my name and I had to explain why I was there..and I had to force my voice to shakenly say..”My license expires on January 10.” The clerk responded..”Hey, now..On your birthday?!” Stunned, I just stood..gazed at her. Thank God for the mask..or she would have really seen my expression. I felt horrified, incensed, and engrossed. “How dare she mention this F-d up day!!! I don’t want to hear about my birthday, it’s gonna be awful.” I managed to complete the process and fled to my car where I cried hysterically.

The following days, inching up to today, were just as unpredictable. I had crying spells, mood swings, anxiety and intense spiritual moments of clarification. At times, I worked myself up so..that I was forced to lay down. I was too overcome with emotions of preparation for this day.

But, today is my birthday. Today is January 10. A reminder that I entered this world with a partner, a buddy, a twin. But, Today…I woke up and remembered that my sister and I were opposites. We did everything differently. We were born fraternal twins. All through our lives we fought against each other..we wanted to be individuals. We were night and day, sugar and salt, she was a carnivore and I a vegetarian since we were We found pride in our individuality and balanced each other quite well. She was talented in so many things that I was not. I was knowledgeable of things that she didn’t give a “damn” about..and she would boastfully declare..”I don’t give a damn!” She was sociable, I an introvert. She was affectionate and I am distant and distinct with my affection. Example: she would kiss me on the mouth! in public! No warning, no preparation..just all of a sudden grab and kiss me, she would hold on tight then push me away.. Lol. Who does that? She didn’t have any issues with boundaries and space, and I on the other hand..need at least 2 miles of space.

Waking up this morning..and opening my eyes..I realized that my behavior has been so unlike my sister. (Naturally so). But, if my sister were here and could tell me..she would first kiss me uncomfortably on the mouth, then say, “I don’t give a damn!” get your ass up! “Fuck! all this stupid drama!” You do stuff your way anyway..Do it your way! Enjoy your day! Party for me and we’ll party harder when we see each other again.” That’s what she would say.

So, in honor of my sister, I have decided that for the rest of my life and for the rest of our birthdays, I am celebrating for the both of us. Double fun! Double adventure! I am kissing my dreams on the mouth! and accomplishing all that I can for the both of us. January 10, is a miraculous day.


I Hate Her Mac and Cheese!

“Hey Mom? What you cooking for tomorrow?” My daughter yelled from the kitchen.

“Well, I’m cooking greens, mashed potatoes, black eyed peas, fried cauliflower, corn on the cob… and I think I forgot the cranberry sauce, but I’ll pick some up later.”

“You not making Macaroni and Cheese?” she asked.

“Well, if I do, you know it will be vegan, and you don’t like that.” I chuckled. “But, you can make it yourself if you want it.” I laughed.

“Uggh”, she groaned and left the room.

This was yesterday’s conversation. The day before Thanksgiving. I hadn’t thought about Mac and Cheese and didn’t think about it for the rest of the day. Actually, I hadn’t thought about Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving dinner at all.. Which is not unusual because I rarely celebrate it, for obvious reasons. I do cook though, mainly because I’m a Mom and a Vegan Mom of Vegetarian children. So, rather than them feeling left out of family gatherings, it has become a tradition for me to cook vegan and vegetarian alternatives for Thanksgiving.

For over 15 years or so, I have cooked and stayed home during the holiday. It has become a day of mourning, purging and introspection for me. I rarely venture out and prefer not to, too. My daughters would always represent me and I would stay home. This year will be no different. Although, no one will be venturing out..thanks to COVID-19. This year has a bit more added grief.

The reason why I finalized my decision to not participate in Thanksgiving holiday was because of my Grandfather. He died the day after “Thanksgiving”. Yearly, I go through my subconscious grieving process, of weekly hiding and staying quiet and busy, in a sense preparing for the hurt to hit my heart.

This year, I lost my twin sister. She died in April. I’ve been going through my process. Doing the expected and the “not so expected”. I have been “Busy…Busy” and in “hermit mode” being “Busy..Busy”, which is not unusual or something that would warrant concern. I’m this way, every year at this time. Right?

Right.” I convinced myself. For days, I have been “Busy…Busy”. Up long hours, and rising early. Sometimes, only 3 to 4 hours of sleep.

I was busy being “Busy..Busy” when my daughter questioned me about the Macaroni and Cheese yesterday. I was “Busy..Busy” when my father called yesterday, crying about missing my sister. I comforted him as best as I could, not wanting to get “too” emotional. But, I was very scripted and direct; saying, “Daddy, I know it hurts..but what would she want us to do? We gotta move on, we gotta keep doing what she would want us to do, which is to take care of ourselves and the family.”

After my conversation with my father, I continued my “”. My sister, Monique came to visit yesterday. I didn’t think anything of it. I was “Busy..Busy”. Talked casually with her. Also, I spoke to 2 of my nieces and 2 of my nephews (my twin’s children) and the conversation was extremely casual. We talked about the day, who was cooking, and the usual day to day stuff. Not until 3 am, did reality hit me. I woke up with extreme nausea and the headache that I have had all week, started to make sense. I grabbed a bottled water and attempted to go back to sleep. But, I couldn’t.

All I could think about was “Macaroni and Cheese”. My twin sister’s Macaroni and Cheese, I began to cry. Almost, uncontrollably.

My sister, Jere would bake pans of Macaroni and Cheese for the family, every Thanksgiving holiday. She was “that one” of the family. You know how someone would bake and bring the pies, someone would fry the chicken, someone was good with the Greens..etc. My sister Jere was the Mac and Cheese “one”.

Most times she would bake a large pan to bring to my Grandparents home, a Large pan for her home, and then she would have a smaller pan for my home. Well, for my daughters…because I hated her Mac and Cheese!

It was always, too cheesy, too thick and just too much for me. Partly, because I didn’t eat dairy..but really I just didn’t see what the family fuss over “her” Mac and Cheese was. But, everyone loved her Mac and Cheese.

Every single year, that was the highlight of my daughter’s Thanksgiving holiday…”Mommy Jere’s Mac and Cheese”.

When my daughter mentioned the Macaroni and Cheese yesterday, it did not occur to me. I did not detect the whine in her voice. I did not hear a whisper in the space of her question, ask “Can you make it like Mommy Jere made it?”

But, at 3 this morning..and for most of the day, the missing of my sister’s Macaroni and Cheese has made me breathless. If only I could just smell it. If only I could see the faces of my daughters, her children, my father, and my mother, as she held the the big wide pan, with the burnt sides of aluminum, and she carried it, as if it were a prized, priceless possession.

I hate her Mac and Cheese, but I sure do wish I had it now.

Please be mindful of your loved ones. Overthink the possibilities of grief. Cherish, cherish, cherish the little things, because those little things sometimes are the biggest.

Me and my twin sister.


Blue Butterflies

(For Women’s History Month)

Throughout the ages..there have been Women.

Women who built and bore nations..

Women who fed and constructed.

Women that dug in the earth…

Basket Weaving Women

Powerful Juju having women…Truth Teaching Women…Geechi Speaking women

Herb Healing Women

Seed Planting Women

Heart Healers and Heart Breaking Women..

There were these Women..

These Thick in the Calf Women..that trotted long roads..

Ancient Gray haired Women that held stories close

Swollen knuckled Women that plucked the husk from corn.

Ruby-Black Desert Women that herded Cattle..

Birth giving women..

Tear dropping women

God Fearing women

There were these Women….

Yellow Women

Red-Boned Women

Community Women…Tribal Women…Single Women

Sexual women..

Big Butt Women..Wide hip Women…Part like the sea, every-time the Moon shines Women

Back-breaking Women..Tree Hugging Women

These Warrior Women..Samurai Women

Gift Giving and Life Saving Women

There are these Women….These Troubled women..These Cursed Women

These Tied to Stakes and burned on Crosses Women.

There are these Beat Women..These Bruised and Scorned Women

Mutilated Women…These Hurt and Battered Women

There are

Indian Women

Konichiwa women

Blue-Black women

Mesopotamian Women…Amazonian Women..African Women

Rulers and Servers

Concubines and Spies

The Gossipers and the Secret Dwellers..Them Women

The work 2 and 3 jobs Women

The Mad and Tired Women

Flying Women

Floating Women

Straight Haired Women

Nappy Headed Women

In the Mountains …In Wet Soil

No Breasted..and Bare Tittied Swinging Women

These Women….






These Women..

Like Pink Diamonds and Black Pearls..

Like Lotus Flowers and Blue Butterflies

Rare, Valuable, Treasured, Sacred, Admired, Original, and Eternal WOMEN.