The Dress

Adult Humor

I wore the most beautiful dress today.

“Simply stunning” I was told.

Pale pink, knee length, halter. Tight lace bodice, with tiny roseate flowers peering through; snug enough to showcase the shiny hills of my caramel breast. Fluffy lace and chiffon ruffles flowed down my thighs with heavy ivory mesh underneath. Simple matching pink pumps; so not to overshadow the beauty of the dress.

I twirled in delight, in the floor length mirror hung from the back of my bedroom door. Left side view (perfect). Right side view (perfect). But, when I turned to view the rear, “Hmmm.” not so pleasing. “Damn it! My butt looks too big.”.

So, I went to the closet, pulled out the leather hat box. Placed it on the bed, and rummaged for my treasures.
“Got ’em”.

I swiftly kicked the pumps off, reached my arms around the ruffles to hike the skirt; In went my right foot, now leg, a wist and pull up my thigh….snap..click..twist..wiggle. Plop and fall of the dress..

Now..next item.

Once Again, I hiked up my skirt and pulled it over my head. I felt along the bed with my left hand, “Got it.” A clack in the air; (just for fun) and around my waist.. I tied. I wrapped, bonded and buckled. ” Whew..a bit constricting… but it’ll work”.

I gathered the final gems, and with a tiny gold safety pin, I flung my left arm around and underneath my armpit, I operated.
“Whew”…inhale, exhale.. “Done”.

Giddy..I returned to the mirror… Left side view (perfect)…..Right side view (perfect)… Rear….(no need) I raised up my skirt to admire my treasures and handy-work …. a lingering “Ni-ce” slithered from my lips.

Kissing my right thigh, compactly kept with black garter; was my Uncle’s army blade.. (a gift from my Twentieth birthday)
Blessing my waist was my favorite black leather whip; handle tucked deep in my thong.
Pinned in the back of my bodice, just below my right shoulder blade; hidden in china-red satin, was 3 glimmering razor blades.

I twinkled into my shoes, and danced a little jig…. “Someone better not dare say a thing about my butt!… I wish a muthafucka…would.” (smile)

4 LIFE LESSONS

  1. Be present. Be ultimately mindful of your surroundings and the life beings that inhabit your space. See your loved ones, not only how they see themselves but also see them for the greatness that they may not know exists within them. Be conscious of your environment, how it reflects you and your daily duties.  Your house, your pets, your air are all manifestations of what you created. Acknowledge your life and everything in it. See it for what it is right now and if changes are to be made, make them.
  2. Be Grateful. Show gratitude for your life. Appreciate the journey thus far. The good times and the bad times are lessons that can and will catapult you into truth. Your goals, your dreams, your wishes all form from a past thought or experience, which could have been a negative or positive one. Be grateful for recognizing the difference and distinguishing between what you want for your life and what you cannot allow into your life.
  3. Be Patient. Take your time. Slow deliberate steps when you are moving through your life. When your rush and hurry it is possible to miss details and make mistakes. Plant the seeds within your mind of how your life should go. Take conscious actions in that direction. Develop and redevelop your life building plans. Understand that “TIME” is a concept. Your calendar and clock is individually yours and separate from any other existence. You are solely in control of your “TIME” and how you travel through it. When you are ready, you are ready, (simply)
  4. SMILE. Smiling increases endorphins. Even faking a smile works. Smiling helps with stress and pain management because cortisol levels are decreased. Smiling creates overall healthy well-being and positive outcomes. You feel better, you look better and you are better when you smile. 🙂

Out My Mind- Porch Lady Talk and a Revolver

Out My Mind. A young girl gossips of what she heard the “Porch Ladies” say about the Spiritual Rebirth of a neighborhood woman.

Let it go. Let it go..Let me go.

Something got a hold.  Gripped tight. Tethered. Tied and wrapped.

Wound and bound.Thick wire looped around a large spindle.

Spun and Spiraled… Got me Circled

Mashed and grounded into powder and sprinkled on others chosen paths..rubbed out fresh and flat. Then blown apart.

Dazed and dizzy..LOST.   Fragmented and disconnected. Jumbled

Heavy Headed.

Spent and bought.

Sold and Resold to the cheapest bidder. Shiny hat and shiny shoes. Cheap metal and faded gold.

Exchanged and bartered. A bargain.  Hustled OUT MY MIND..

(Pointing in their direction)……

Dem Porch Ladies say, she came home from church..and must’ve caught the Spirit.

Dey’ say… when she walked in her house..they heard hollering and shouting.  A choir of Loud Revolution. Dey’ say the walls was singing sumpin’ fierce!

Then dey’ say…7 horsemen came a running and she came a flying.

Flapping and flat footed..BARE! Right out her house!  She was leaping and hopping off the ground.

Dey’ say, she even levitated! Say she lifted so high, that Ol’ Man Perry tried to rope her down..but he couldn’t.       (I ain’t lying..dat’s what dey say)

Dem’ porch ladies say …Dat girl was so hot and feverish that she was turned beet burnt red. And..dey say, she was dripping wet like somebody had dipped her in the river. Water and sweat was just pouring right off of her.

The Porch Ladies say, she caught the Holy Ghost!

She was speaking in tongues and scripture-fying. Quoting em’ like she wrote the book.

Leviticus 20:10“If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. “

 Leviticus 20:25  “You shall therefore separate the clean beast from the unclean, and the unclean bird from the clean. You shall not make yourselves detestable by beast or by bird or by anything with which the ground crawls, which I have set apart for you to hold unclean.”

 Luke 11:40  You fools!”

Mathew 23:17    “Is it the Gold or the Temple that makes it?” she shouted. “Who am I?  I’m the Temple..ain’t I?”

Jeremiah 48:10  “I do the Lords Work!!! I do the Lords Work!”

Exodus 35:1..  “These are the things that the LORD has commanded you to do:  “God said it!!! God said it!!!” 

(Proclaiming)  “Deeze ain’t my words..Deeze Gods!”

Dey say, she started singing about how she been changed.. Dat finally, she been saved. She say she was healed by the blood.

Then dey’ say..she started shouting!  She was shaking and moving real fast. At one time, she even threw down her bible and started church dancing on it.

She threw up, not long after that!  Yep.  That’s what Ms. Mattie say.  (Nodding) She got sick sumptin’ real bad.

Say she got silent all a sudden.. then everything turned dark like a storm was coming. She vomited all over the porch steps then fell slain in the spirit. Down still..she lay.

But, The Horseman didn’t go up there (pointing to the porch) until they was sure she wasn’t getting up.

Once they got up there, they rolled her over..and dat’s when they saw the revolver.

Dat man over der’ (pointing) him in dat gray shirt…He say the walls is covered in blood. I seen em’ bringing bags out all day.

Mama say..the Coroner told her dat’ he ain’t neva seen nothing like dis’ in his 25 years of working and picking up bodies!

Bout time the Pastor and all dem’ church folk showed up..she was already gone. But dey’ say, dey’ keeping vigil for the rest of the week.

So, there they are (pointing across the street). Dey’ been out there… slow-singing and bringing flowers all day.

….“Umph.Umph. Umph.”  (Heads shake)